3 – Who Are You Meant To Trust.

Stay strong and find yourselves. In the end it is only you that can change the situation you are in with great determination and understandings. You are all worth something to someone even if it is only one other or even just yourself.

I know how the blog ended last time; you were probably expecting the story of drugs, alcohol and homeless etc. However much more is to be told to help understand the lead up to how and why I became who I am…

With Mum working her butt off to provide shelter over our heads and food on the table. She put her full trust into my older sister Terrie, mainly to look after her other younger siblings. Most of the time things were good, I would be watching cartoons or at the house behind us playing with my friend Lisa. This particular time it was school holidays and mum was at work. Kelly was somewhere at one of her friend’s house. I was doing something in the lounge room. Terrie had one of her friends over, both sitting at the kitchen table talking and laughing. All of a sudden I couldn’t hear anything coming from the kitchen. Being 7 years old I was worried. That very moment I truly had a flash back from the last time I was left in the house alone. I was 4 and Dad was looking after me, I’m not sure where everyone was at the time. He decided to go to the shops and left me there by myself, he didn’t even tell me, he just snuck out. Before I knew, the cushion I was laying on the floor with caught on fire, the whole lounge almost caught alight. Thank god Mum walked in just in time. You got that right; you could say dad got in trouble. I still remember him saying, “I was only gone for 5 minutes.” Um Hello??? I was four fucking years old. If it wasn’t for mum and her timing I could have been burnt alive.

So this time I went looking to see where the person who was looking after me went. I noticed the laundry door was shut. We never shut that door? I opened the laundry door and there they were. Terrie and her friend-smoking weed through a piece pipe. Of course I had no idea what it was at the time. Then Terrie says, “want to try some?” being the age I was, “of course” I said yes. She put the pipe to my lips and said, “when I tell you to, breathe it in, suck this like a straw.” She lit the other end up and said suck. As I was only doing I was told, I bummed sucked it without breathing it into my lungs. Terrie got annoyed and could see her losing patience. She turned the pipe around, put it to her lips then she toked on it. She then told me to do it like that. To this day I still remember the feeling of the smoke going into my lungs. I coughed and coughed and couldn’t breath. While struggling to catch my breath my “sister” proceeded to tell me, ”now you have done it you can’t tell mum, because then I will tell on you and we will both get in trouble.”

image3-9

Terrie – Me and Kelly Opening Presents For Christmas

Finally I caught my breath back, and started to feel a little funny but I was ok for the moment. I felt a little light heading with heavy eyes. My “sister” and her friend thought it would be a good idea to take me down the main street. By the time we got there I was not feeling very well at all. The light-headed feeling turned into the world spinning, I could not open my eyes, and felt like I was going to be majorly sick. I remember crying telling my “sister” that I can’t walk or even hold my eyes open. She just kept holding my hand dragging me along down the main street laughing. Did anyone take notice of what was happening while walking past us? I honestly think that was one of the scariest days of my whole 7 years of life. The rest of that day I actually cannot remember how we got home, having dinner that night, or even going to bed. However the abuse didn’t stop there.

Because Terrie threatened to tell on me, I never told mum anything out of fear of this horrible person. Because I had that fear, not only from Terrie, but what might happen if mum finds out, Terrie had me wrap around her finger. I was like a slave to her paid with bribery. “You know I will tell mum and she might send you away if you don’t do what I say.” Or “If you don’t do as I say you might as well pack your bags now, because that’s what mums going to tell you when I tell her what you been doing.” I would cry because I did something bad and I couldn’t come clean, I had to make Mum not want to send me away. She trained me very well Terrie.

‘Momentarily jumping ahead because I just had a memory . I remember one day Terrie was looking after me but I was at my back fence talking to Lisa. Terrie came out to get me for a bath, but I didn’t want her to do it. I had a rake in my hand and with the handle I stabbed her in the eye. She went to hospital and had to wear an eye patch for days. I still remember mum being furious with me, but I also remember not being scared of mum at that moment, because all I could think of was “ I won I won I’m free” and “I hate hate hate you Terrie” It felt like a small victory for me.’

Terrie would never take Kelly anywhere with her, because Kelly had no problems telling mum everything they did. I remember mum saying to Terrie, “If your going somewhere take one of the others.” She would always pick me because I wasn’t the one who was going to tell mum on her, as I was scared. I wish I had told mum these things back then. But I was truly scared of this thing, this person, this monster my “sister”. Many times she would take me to wherever she was going. I am pretty sure just to make her look cool, She would pass me cigarettes to smoke in front of her friends. She would never do this if we were home alone. She would always sneak alcohol and weed into the house, and as soon as she took me where she went, she would pass me drinks, smokes and joints. I suppose after quite a few times of this happening I started getting pretty used to it. Used to the feeling of being stone, and the feeling of the fear of mum finding out because of Terrie saying I would get in trouble as well as her.

One night Terrie was going camping with quite a lot of her other friends, she took me along of course. I don’t actually remember mum asking her to. I would have been still around the 8 or even 9-year-old mark. We camped at the bottom of the Red Bank Cliffs; there was dope and alcohol. She past me a beer, I wasn’t going to say no. This was the drink Dad allowed us to have as a Shandy every Christmas. However this time there was no lemonade. Some of the boys caught a blow fish and using as a happy sack. She gave me weed to smoke even when I was already quite drunk. Everyone got hungry so a few of us were going to walk into town to the old Tuckers (shell on the West-side). For us to do this we had to climb the cliffs. I was a drunk and stoned 8-year-old trying to climb the cliffs? I remember half way through I got stuck and I knew if I was to move I would have fallen. I was crying and scared and I still hear the laughing. Everyone found this funny??

Because of this, my sister got me down calmed me down and put me to bed inside the tent while they went for food. I can honestly say I passed out. While I was asleep I was dreaming, I remember this dream very well. I was in a forest with the noises of the animals and the lush green vegetation. I was running trying to keep up with the animal callings. All of a sudden it got dark very quickly with very loud thunder and rain starting to pelt down. It happened that fast there was no way for me to take shelter. This scared me, so I woke up. Only thing is, when I opened my eyes the dream was still happening, it was pouring down on me. When I woke properly, I realised its one of my so-called “sisters” friends, quite happily taking a piss on me. Again hearing everyone laughing at my expense. I stayed in the tent by myself after the incident, because I didn’t know what to do or where my “sister” was. All I know while being alone inside that tent crying was, She left me there while I was sleeping and went for a walk to get food. I couldn’t sit here and tell you what I was feeling at that stage, I honestly couldn’t remember. However years later when I thought about it, I had nothing but hatred for my so-called “sister”. I couldn’t be angry with any of her friends that allowed this kind of behavior to happen. I could only blame her. The one mum put trust in to look after me, the one that I was meant to feel safe with, the one that was responsible for me, but yet she allowed it all to happen. Not telling her friends off but laughing with them. I just don’t get it. I inverted more and more into my shell. This was not being bullied like I was at school; this was torture, and humiliation. I don’t understand how not one person out of the ten, who were there that night, didn’t try to stop what was happening. Or at least thought that an 8-year-old getting drunk, stoned, almost falling of cliffs and getting used as a toilet while everyone was laughing was right? Still I had no idea why I felt I couldn’t tell my mother.

The best thing that ever happened was when Mum met Fred, (more of that story later). Mum fell pregnant and so did Terrie at the same time. Terrie was 17. But because Mum was Pregnant as well, Terrie had to move in with her boyfriend as there was not enough room. The day she moved out I was so happy. I was also very happy and excited when mum got pregnant because nine months later, and myself being 11 years old at that time. I finally had a brother, Frederick Jr. ( way more to come on that)

Terrie traumatized me to the point of inverting myself from the world. For 34 years I hated what she did to me, for 34 years always having to pretend I was someone different, to the point when I got married I still had to pretend. (That story will be told eventually). However it took me 34 years to realise that her stupidity and careless nature was one of the major reasons I went BANG last year. It left me in bed for three months with no contact to work or the outside world. I started doing drugs once again after not touching it for years, as it was the only thing that made me feel good at the time, and help me to not think about it. If it wasn’t for the therapy I had, I would have only blamed the situation at hand that took me to therapy in the first place, and not the actual problem that I had all my life without realising it. There is so much more she did but it all comes later…..

Prior to releasing this blog I spoke to my partner Tony and my mother. They both said “are you sure you want to mention this was your sister.” The thing is of course I do, this is not about her or anyone, this is my story and the things that happened to me, other people are in the story because they were there. Either as Pure Goodness, or Sadistic Evilness.

Phil

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Written by Phil Paterson

I have been a Community Support Worker for the last four years. I worked in the Mental Health Sector and now currently working with people who have Aquired Brain Injuries in Disabilty. I studied to be a worker in the community, as I myself haven't had the best life. (Although now my life is much better). So I decided to attempt to write my real life story of trauma and abuse, drugs and alcohol, love and loss. All which led to depression and anxiety. Apart from my story I plan to write about everyday important issue that co-inside with my blog.

6 comments

  1. Reblogged this on Crammed Mind and commented:

    I have not posted anything new in quite sometime. This is simply due to life. There is a new post scheduled for 7 hours from now. I thought I would share an older post for anyone who would like some refreshing or for anyone new that has stumbled across this. Keep in mind this is the 3rd part of my personal Story. It is recommended that you start from the first. 1 – All Over The Place. Thank you all for being patient.

    Like

  2. Im Sorry you felt you couldn’t talk to me and tell I’m sorry I didn’t pick up what was going on I’m sorry you had to go through that growing up I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell mum I would of told mum for u.
    I love very much little brother 💙

    Liked by 1 person

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