10 – In The Heat Of The Cubicle

Ever had a time when everything was going so well, everyone is happy and plans were thought to be going along quite nicely? Then all of a sudden BAM, everything becomes red with fury and hatred that you’re not sure what you are going to do or even meant to do? The only result is to cover it more by self-medicating, but with more than you have already been using.

Waking up on Christmas day is still one of the most exciting times for me.

As a kid I was excited because I would be getting presents from Santa. But now as an adult I truly love the celebration of the birth of Jesus. I understand what Christmas is all about and I tend to try to spread the joy as much as I can on that day. The last five Christmases hasn’t been like that which I will tell you more about later. This particular Christmas back in Port Augusta was like the last five years. Ruined by stupidity and unloving thoughts of carelessness and disrespect.

We were at our new bosses from work Leanne’s and Karl’s for their first Christmas in Port Augusta. Having a ball, eating lots of food and drinking a lot of alcohol, that’s what we Australians do to celebrate. As you know I promised Mum I would be home for dinner, However the day went so quick and knowing that my sister Terrie, her much younger boyfriend plus my nephews were there, she would be ok. It wasn’t until 7pm I actually rocked up home, which my friend Sarah was about to be there to pick me up to continue celebrating. I remember I was so drunk I couldn’t even tell you how I got home that night. However when I did get home I sobered up pretty quickly.

Mum looked very unhappy and miserable.

Terrie was no longer there, which I suspected she would have left to visit other family at the time. At first I thought Mum was in that mood due to me being late, and also mega drunk. I then asked her what was wrong. I was thinking I was about to be howled at. She continued to inform me that Terrie did not even come for Christmas lunch, nor called to tell her otherwise. I went from inebriated and joyous to being sober with fury in a matter of a split second. I was fuming to the point I was crying so much at the fact Mum had been left alone on Christmas day. But crying more so over rage. I was ready to go find Terrie and tell her what a low life scum she has become since being with her teenage boyfriend.

When Sarah pulled in the drive way I think she was stunned. She had never seen me in hysterics like I was that day. I was yelling at her to take me to find Terrie and lover boy, to somewhat smash them both in the face. However Mum was telling me, don’t worry about it, its Terries choice to ditch the family. She was making Sarah promise her that she will not take me to see them.

You see since Terrie got with teenager boy, she decided to not communicate with her family as much. She did ask me to move out so lover boy could move in. Terrie seemed to think Mum had a problem with her being with someone so young, but in fact it was more the way he was making her distance herself from the family altogether. I knew this day was the day Mum and myself decided to wash our hands of Terrie as we as a family gave her many chances to be a decent daughter, sister and human being.

Sarah helped Mum calm me down then took me away as Mum did not want to see me like I was as I was making a fool of myself and making the situation worse. Which today I would agree that I did over react. I remember driving away but I was that upset and still very drunk, I still couldn’t tell you what I did for the rest of that night.

Since that day, my drinking and dope smoking habits became somewhat worse.

I felt a lot more confident while I was under the influence. More people suspected that I was gay, however being drunk and stoned helped me to not care. There were times I would go to the pub, and so-called “straight” guys would start to touch my arse and say stupid gestures in my ear such as, “hey fag boy, let me take you home.” They then would go stand next to their girlfriends at the bar as if nothing was just said.

The Commonwealth Hotel Was The Place To Be In Port Augusta

One of the most scariest moments of my life.

I was out with my usual bunch of friends one weekend. It was a typical Saturday night; gathering at a friend’s house to get as drunk as possible before going out. That way we didn’t have to spend so much money. I started to become a little more comfortable in my skin, although I wasn’t out to my family yet and only to a few close friends. I noticed two guys who were staring at me every time I looked their way. I didn’t think too much of it, considering there was a big crowd there and they both seemed to be looking at other people as well. I continued having the drunken good time we all had every weekend.

I separated from the group to go to the toilet. I noticed the toilet was empty as I nodded to a guy who was walking out as I walked in. I proceeded to the urinal to do my business. I heard the toilet door open, I looked over and it was the same guys that were staring at me earlier that night. They both came up to the urinal standing either side of me. Still not thinking anything of it I asked how their night was going. As I was zipping my fly up I heard one of them say, “Its about to get interesting.” I was washing my hands when I realised that none of the two actually used the urinal for what it was meant to be used for. As I walked towards the door to head back to my friends, one of the guys stood in front of the door. He said, “Suck me fag.” Instantly I had fear shoot through my body. Both guys were taller and somewhat strong-looking. Then the other guy said, “Yeah then suck me fag while he does you from behind.”

I put on a brave face and told them that you need to find it from somewhere else. I then proceeded to try to go through the exit door when the guy behind me grabbed my arm and forced me into a cubicle. I yelled out telling them to piss off and stop being wankers. The second guy also came in and locked the cubicle behind him. “If you scream for help we will hurt you more than we are about to.” Both guys dropped their pants and placed their parts in front of my face demanding me to service them. I was refusing when one of them grabbed my hair and forced his penis inside of my mouth. He forced so hard that I started to choke. I then felt the tears from struggling to breathe starting to fall down my face. All I remember thinking was, why is no one coming in the toilet, there is usually someone in here. But then I don’t think I would have even heard the door open. The guy who had his bits inside my mouth forced me to stand up and turned me around while the other one was forcing my pants down. I was begging them to stop; however they thought it was some sort of game. One forced himself inside me and today I still remember the pain as he started to penetrate. He was going so hard my head was banging against the wall, which at some stage took away the pain from below.

It all happened so fast the next thing I know I’m sitting on the floor of the cubicle with my pants down, tears running down my face, a little blood on my forehead, and my behind feeling somewhat saturated. I locked myself in the cubicle and realised that I had blood coming from behind where he forced himself inside of me. Once I composed myself, I cleaned myself up and just went straight home. No one understood where I was or went, and back in those days we were all to drunk to be how to take care of one another. When I saw my friends next I told them I drank way too much so went home. I remember going home that night and showered for at least an hour. Mum woke up banged on the door and asked if I was ok. I just yelled out saying I’m just really drunk and being sick at the moment and I wont be much longer.

After that experience I began to shut out the somewhat confident Phil I was finally starting to become. It also led me to start taking other drugs other than marijuana. The first mind-altering drug I tried and began to love was an acid trip…


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12 thoughts on “10 – In The Heat Of The Cubicle

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  1. Phil I’m so sorry to read that that had happened to you and you had to suffer in silence.
    I can only say that there are so many more people who have been there also and felt that same pain, if they are reading this maybe they too can start to heal.
    Kudos to you Phil and blessings ❤

  2. Wow!! This has stirred up so many emotions in me. I want to say I’m sorry this happened to you and that you felt you had to suffer alone. And I’m angry at myself for being so self absorbed in my own life not to notice the suffering you went through during those years we were thick as thieves. I have so much admiration for you to be able to speak out and face those demons. With all the people I’ve met along my travels you are the bravest person I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet and I hope your life story will bring bravery to others that maybe suffering alone with their own demons and show there can be a light at the end of a dark tunnel

  3. Wow!!! Iam speechless phil, you are so amazing and brave. I thank God that you have this courage and fire inside you to share your story and show others that there are brighter days that can drown out the darkness and that you can be ok. Xx

    1. I am so very proud of how far you have come, you are an inspiration to all who have walked, been down similar paths, experiences! having the courage to speak your truth and using it to help others is admirable. 💋❤🤩

      1. Thank you for the kind words. I’m a big believer in healing starts with sharing. For others as well as for myself 😊

  4. Words will never explain how sorry I am to read this and I love you more and want to hug you for all that you been through. I know how hard this is for you to share but I am sure so many have been there and this might help them . It will never define who you are today as you are the most caring, warm and wonderful guy I know. I am honoured to be your second mum and know that I love you like my own son. I wish I could take the pain away but just know that I am here always for you. Xxx💖😍💋✨⭐️🌟

  5. Reblogged this on Crammed Mind and commented:

    As I have been posting my older parts of my story, it’s taking a while to build up the courage to repost this one. If you are reading this for the first time and you or someone you know have gone through similar. Please, I encourage to not just keep it to yourself, you must report and seek help. If I did back then, I may not have gone down the harsh drug path and found myself sooner.

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