12 – Love, Loss, Guilt. pt 1: Heaven Sent

 Ever found something so awkward but yet so beautiful. Something that is unexpected and no matter what for the rest of your life you laugh, cry, and feel privileged to have been apart of this one persons life?

There was a Youth Group ran in Port Augusta formed from a place called Rangers. Sherri’s Mum worked there and Sherri used to go along to some of the group events. These kids were disadvantaged, neglected or didn’t feel that they fitted in. This group you could see that they all respected on another and felt that people actually understood them.

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The Awkward Man Himself, Alan

This particular day, there was an event down the beach on the east side. Sherri invited me to go along just because I had nothing else to do. There were up to ten or so kids, and among them was a boy not much younger than me. He had blonde hair, an awkward stature and a shy and nervous personality that was quite cute to watch. Oh and his eyes, they were big and blue as the sky, and his eyelashes were like the ones only drag queens could wish for. This awkwardly beautiful boys name was Alan.

Although with Alan being quite shy and awkward, he had no problem making people laugh, he certainly made me laugh with quirky jokes and joining in on conversations he had no idea what they were about. He had a presence you just felt comfortable and wanted to be around more. I never got to see Alan much after this one event I went to, but would see him every now and then down the main street or at random places. We would always say hi, and I remember I could not stop staring at his big blue eyes.

He Began To Work Where I Did

A few years later while working at Hungry Jacks and being a manager, Alan was hired. He reminded me a lot of myself. He was nervous and shy. I couldn’t tell if it was just his awkward self or it was just because he was new to the job. For the record Alan’s Awkwardness never went away.

Over time Alan became a good worker. He was promoted to a Cadet manager and I got promoted to an Assistant manager. This was where we had more time to chat freely and start learning about each other and I finally started asking him to come hang out at my house with Sherri and some mutual friends. There we all would be free to be silly and have fun. Majority of the time we would sing karaoke on the karaoke machine I had. My favourites to sing were anything from Kasey Chambers and Dixie Chicks. Even today I still hear Alan singing his favourite over and over again, Killing Heidi’s Heaven Sent.

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Alan and I

I Never Knew How To Make A First Move

I always had a feeling Alan was gay, but I was never game enough to make a move, I never really knew how anyway. Until that night mentioned in: Being Gay In The Port. Were he made the first move by waking me up and jumping into my bed. I still remember him standing over me, shaking ‘awkwardly’ and asking to climb into bed with me. The first kiss that night was so bloody horrible, we both knew how bad it was and we laughed so hard together that everything which followed was so sensual and passionate. I couldn’t believe it was happening, and I know Alan thought the same. I think if Alan never made the first move we would never had this moment to feel totally wanted and received.

The next day I had an open shift at work and he had the closing shift. I decided to let him sleep and just left a note. I still have it…

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The Letter I Wrote The Night After Alan Climbed Into My Bed

All day I couldn’t stop thinking about the night I just had with Alan. The staff could see I was different in a light and fluffy way, they hounded me to tell them what was going on, of course I didn’t say a thing as Alan and I did not even discuss what had happened. However when Alan walked through the door to start his shift also looking light and fluffy, staff clicked on by the way we looked at each other and the less demanding I was on him as a boss. He gave me a look, which was like peace and rage at the same time, contentment but misplaced, and from that very look I knew this was going to become more than just a one night of meaningless sex. We denied all allegations the staff put to us and it worked temporarily.

Most nights the same group of people would be hanging at whoever’s place at the time. I would say I’m tired and leave, half an hour later Alan would do the same and would come to mine to spend the night with me. One night we both told our mates that we weren’t going to hang out and gave them different excuses. He came to mine where we cuddled on the couch watching movies. Things got a little hot and heavy and we moved to the bedroom. All of a sudden we heard; BANG! BANG! BANG! Someone was throwing rocks on my tin roof, which scared the shit out of us. I automatically got up and ran out of the house naked to see if I could catch who was doing it. My driveway was a long dirt road, which was shared by the house in front. I didn’t see anyone but I saw dust as if there was a car that had just drove off. I ran inside and grabbed my keys. “What are you doing?” Alan asked with a scared voice. “I’m going after them to see who it was” I jumped in the car still naked and drove off. As I made it to the main road I saw Sherri’s car filled with our normal gang. Disappointed I turned back around and went straight home.

I told Alan what I saw and who I was. He started to panic thinking that someone knows about what we were doing. I told him to calm down and who cares it’s just our mates. The girls pulled up and came inside, the first thing that came out of one of friend’s mouth was, “ we knew it, you’re fucking each other.” I replied, “ So what you didn’t have to scare the shit out of us.” They didn’t seem to care; they thought we deserved it because of the secret we kept.

However after we all calmed down we laughed about it and they gave us their approval. It was great to finally be ourselves in front of people we trusted. A little step closer in feeling comfortable about who we were. For the most part mine and Alan’s semi discreet relationship was fantastic, however it started to get a little complicated as time went by…

Alan’s Favourite Song To Sing: Heavensent Killing Heidi

To be continued….

Phil Paterson 🙂

 

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