13 – Love, Loss, Guilt. pt 2 Triangle

When you tell people your ok with something and just go with the flow, even though you know it doesn’t feel right and you don’t have the balls or the heart to do anything otherwise. As soon as you allow people to think your ok with things, those people have the total right to not even think twice. If you choose to act ok with things and go with the flow, then the shitty feelings you have is nobodies fault but your own.

Everyone who knew Alan adored him and even loved him. His soul had the ability to rest your own soul. He was the kind of person you wanted to be around, even if you’re telling him off for being so annoying. Even though Alan and I never discussed what was happening with us, I knew I loved him but was too afraid to say it. I knew his parents were strict and disapproved against almost everything he done, without knowing his true heart and his capabilities to make people feel good and loved. His home life was a big barrier on whatever relationship we had.

I Couldn’t Make It More Than Two Months Away From Home

I decided to resign from Hungry Jacks and attempt to move to Adelaide. I missed all my mates and Alan. Alan and I would speak on the phone at least two times a week. We would never say we loved each other, however we would say we missed each other. I failed my first attempt of moving away from home, so I was only away for two months. Although I was upset I didn’t make it in a new Town, I was quite glad to be home with my friends once again. I had no place to come back to; so my Besty Sherri let me live with her, these were some of the best days I had living there. Although the relationship I had with Alan was not like it was due to outside pressures, I really liked being back in his arms when he stayed over.

Over the whole period of, and even prior to Alan and me having some sort of relationship. Sherri would always mention how cute and awesome he was. Alan also mentioned similar things about Sherri, how much of a wicked chick she was, and how easy she was to talk to. One night while Alan and I were in bed, he mentioned how he’s never being with a girl before, and one day wouldn’t mind trying. I understood where he was coming from, as I have been with a girl myself and would have regreated not at least seeing if the whole thing of being gay was just a phase, or if we really could have a choice.

Knowing what Alan and Sherri both said about each other, I suggested to Alan that he should put the moves on Sherri. At first, not knowing he took it seriously, we both laughed it off. However there was this one night Alan and I was laying in bed, he decided to go into Sherri’s room and put the moves on her. At this particular moment I really wasn’t worried if they were to do anything, because Alan and I never discussed what sort of relationship we were having. In other words we both had free reigns to do as we pleased. That night I wasn’t sure whether I was bothered or happy that he decided to come back into my bed. We spoke about how he felt, and if he enjoyed it. He was very honest in saying how weird he feels about doing such things in the same house as I’m in. He was beside himself and really did enjoy it, and I was really fine with me at that time.

Feeling A Little Numb

The next morning I found myself to be a little numb. When Sherri woke up and we saw each other the first time after them sleeping together, she had a confusing face showing. It showed guilt but excitement. I played it cool and asked for details. Today I still laugh over the fact that we couldn’t get over his penis. Also how awkward but great he was in bed. I was somewhat jealous that this happened, however it was me that allowed it in the first place, so I kept the Jealousy in tact.

I loved and respected Alan and Sherri, and even though in that moment I felt let down that they went ahead and did it, I’m glad it was Sherri he went to and not some other girl I didn’t know. Overtime Alan went back forwards between us and I became used to the idea. All three of us spoke of it and unconscious rules were made. Like if Alan wanted either Sherri or myself he was to stay with that person all night. We did everything together, camping, shopping, eating, and watching TV.

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Sherri, Alan and I

Nevertheless, quite sometime after this all started, there was this one night we all went camping. Alan and Sherri went to collect firewood while I stayed around the already lit fire and smoked bong after bong. All of a sudden I could hear something, and to my surprise it was them having sex. I got up and went and locked myself in the car so I couldn’t hear it, and stayed in there for quite sometime, even when they came back to the camp site. After all this time the triangle was happening and me not having a problem with it, this particular night hearing them made me feel jealousy and anger. It kind of scared me somewhat. This night I knew I couldn’t be apart of what ever Alan was doing, he was leading two people who was in love with him on, and that was not fair on both Sherri and I. With me being the little kid by locking myself in the car, Sherri could feel me and knew why. We spoke about the whole situation the next day once we dropped Alan home from camping. I came to a conclusion that the triangle had to stop; at least I will stop it. Sherri agreed.

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Sherri and I 

I told Alan everything and how I felt and he understood. He said he really wanted to be with me, but he was so scared of his parents finding out. We all remained really good friends and still did a lot together, but we made Alan go home most nights unless he was drunk or to stoned. We all really cared for each other. Nothing changed that.

Yes there were times Alan and I would still have sex and feel the connection we had, but very rarely compared to before. I’m not sure if he and Sherri did or not, I asked not to be told.

I really loved what Alan and I had after all that, and I truly believe this is where Sherri’s and my friendship grew even stronger, with more feeling and understanding of each other. We all would hang out a lot. Then there was this one night, where Alan came around and we started drinking, and he was not acting like himself. We were playing cards when all of a sudden he came out and asked a question. A question Sherri and I had no judgement over but it was just random. The question he asked and the answers we gave him still haunt me today…

 

Phil.

 

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