14 – Love, Loss, Guilt pt3. Dark Matter

When people come to you for advise, you do your best. We tend to always advise what would be best if it was us in that situation, without really thinking about their own situation. It’s ok to have an opinion especially when been asked for it. Some people dismiss what you say. However, we need to keep in mind that sometimes these opinions are heard and then acted on. Then it happens; BANG! You suddenly find out it may not have been the best advise you gave.

Coming back to Port Augusta, after not making it in Adelaide that time, living with Sherri was awesome. She saved my life. Unfortunately I had no job or any Centrelink (government assistance), Sherri Supported me. She gave me a roof over my head, food, smokes, marijuana, toiletries, you name it. It took me two months to find work. However, when I think of it, it was me just not caring.

I finally got a job at KFC, it wasn’t ideal, yet it supplied money, plus I enjoyed working with the people who worked there. Normally daily routine was; wake up, smoke bongs and get high, go to work, sneak outside on my break and get more high. Being high and working at KFC was not the best idea. You could say I put quite some weight on. I would then go home get high and chill. I thought I was pretty happy with how my life was. Thinking back, it wasn’t. I had no motivation, no ambition, was still the person to keep my mouth shut to keep everyone happy. Putting on a front, I was already depressed. I had quit my job of seven years to attempt to move to the city, with no job to go to and no money. Within a couple of months was back home. No home to go to, no job and this time 100% no money. The time I didn’t put on a front was around Sherri and Alan.

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Alan and I

I started to get into Wiccan with Sherri, things at the time made sense to me. Sherri and I consider ourselves to be very spiritual people. From as long as I remember I have felt and seen what most people would call spirits or ghosts. Still seeing and feeling and been best friends with Sherri, we have gone in different path in our spirituality, (more on that another time). We had people come to as for many things. Advise was a main reason.

The Dreaded Answer To A Question

Once the triangle was over and we all remained really good friends, there was a night Alan came over. We sat at the kitchen table having a drink and playing cards. Although we were all having a good time, talking and laughing, Alan seemed a little apprehensive and distant. Like he was trying to build up courage to say something. Alan pulled it together and asked Sherri and I a question after telling us something that wasn’t or didn’t seem like a big deal to us. “Guys can I ask you something?” Without hesitation both myself and Sherri told him of course. We saw the nerves on his face as he began to shake. “Well, I have seen something and I’m not sure what to do”. We were intrigued to hear what his worries were. “I have seen my Grandpa at the end of my bed a couple of times”. I was so amazed that he had this experience, Alan never went into too much detail, but he went on and asked the question. “I’m not sure if I should tell my parents, what do you think I should do?” Knowing very well of the hard times he has had with his strict parents, I have no idea why this night I never considered this in the conversation. “Put it this way Alan, if I was you parent, I would really like to know that you just saw my family”, both Sherri and I agreed. He was scared to say anything as he always was. By the end of the night Alan concluded that he appreciated the chat and will go home and sleep on it.

No One Saw Alan For Days And Even Weeks

Days went by and we tried to contact him to see if he wanted to hang like usual. It was unlike him to not answer or at least call us back. For some reason I started to think that he needed a break from us. I started asking around if anyone has seen or heard from him, but no one had and were just as baffled, as he had a good presence around town. It felt like months when I got a phone call from Alan. Not sounding like himself, being all myterious, he asked if he could come around as he had something to tell us. He came around not looking so good. (You must forgive me but a lot of this moment is a little blurry).

He proceeded to tell us where he had been, and was sorry that we haven’t heard from him. He explained that, after the night he was around and asked us for advise, he did go home to sleep on it. He decided when he woke, that he would tell his mother about seeing his Grandpa in spirit. He told us that without thought, his parents decided there and then there was something wrong with him and took him straight to the doctors. The doctor decided that seeing a spirit on the end of his bed, was enough for them to send him to Glenside Mental Hospital. The loveable, adorable dork was then unbelievably diagnosed with schizophrenia. They keep him in the hospital to try him on medication, and to make sure he was ‘ok’ to go home.

dark-cloud
Mr Guilt

 

My Stomach Dropped And My Throat Closed Over

The reason most of this is blurry, is because the moment he told us, I went numb. My stomach dropped and my throat close over, then instantly I had this dark matter like a heavy cloud over me which spoke to me, “welcome my name is guilt”. I wasn’t angry or upset at his parents doing what that did. I was so fired up and angry at myself  for telling him he should tell them. I encouraged him to tell them, telling him they would appreciate knowing he got a visitor from someone they love and miss. Instead, they put him in a mental home and I could only blame myself for it. His parents didn’t put him there, my answer of encouragement did. Even to this day, I still have moments when Mr Guilt comes to visit me.

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Glenside Hospital

I couldn’t forgive myself, his life was completely turned upside down. This goofy, awkward, fun, loving and caring man, had become lifeless, shattered, less coherent. Although the years to come he struggled through things that is not my story to tell, I was and still am very proud of him. He worked so hard and he managed to deal with this burden he has. He learnt to live with it, change his life style, and became that man everyone falls in love with. the one everyone wanted to be around, although that never changed for Sherri and I. A few years after Alan’s diagnoses, we went our separate ways, I was finally living in Adelaide and he came to live there in a different area. He had the worst time here in Adelaide, and finally had enough. He came to where I was living. This night was a night I was hoping for years prior. We were very emotional for what happened to him in Adelaide the previous couple of months. We spoke about a lot of things. The guilt I have, how much we actually miss each other, and a lot more. By the end of this conversation, we were laying in bed fully clothed, and he said; “I hate all the decisions I made with you, I was always to scared to be who I wanted us to be”. Tears started to run down with our faces. “Im sorry” he continued, “I love you and always have”. It was nice to hear something I was longing for years, but it was so hard because we knew we could not work now. I squeezed him so tight and said; “no regrets, I have also loved you then and still do now”. After that we just held each other and cried ourselves to sleep.

The Love Was Confirmed

We both realised that not saying those words at the beginning was a mistake, although we remained close an and would be forever in our hearts. There is something that happened a few years down the track that had Mr Guilt paid me a hard long visit, however this will be in another post down the track, as I have so much more to tell before then of my life. All I can say at this moment is Alan was truly my first real love, and it was nice to have it confirmed that I was somehow his as well.

Phil

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Written by Phil Paterson

I have been a Community Support Worker for the last four years. I worked in the Mental Health Sector and now currently working with people who have Aquired Brain Injuries in Disabilty. I studied to be a worker in the community, as I myself haven't had the best life. (Although now my life is much better). So I decided to attempt to write my real life story of trauma and abuse, drugs and alcohol, love and loss. All which led to depression and anxiety. Apart from my story I plan to write about everyday important issue that co-inside with my blog.

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