The Quiet Dark Bubble

When your eyes close, and all you can think of is, “Please I just want to sleep”. What do you do? Well, for me, I sat here writing about it. Because, you know; nothing else to do.

Sitting outside, at the back of the house, all is quite except for the lighter I am using to light my cigarettes. The pet birds are sleeping when they are usually loud most of the time. It is spring time with only 4 days until summer; yet it is feeling like winter. I have my robe on keeping me warm. Everyone inside is sleeping this makes me look at the time. Sure I thought that’s why; it is 3:30 in the morning.That explains why its dark and cannot hear nothing but a brief catfight happening somewhere in distance.

Is It Crazy To Wash Your Car At Midnight?

I tend to go through phases of not being able to sleep. I lay down and close my eyes, however I’m still awake. Without wanting to keep my partner Tony from sleeping, I decided that, at midnight I would take my car to the car wash. Yes, its crazy, yes it is cold and I’m using water, but I felt like it would tire me out. Hmm ‘nope still wide awake’.

Once my marriage broke down, and I was diagnosed the Depression and Anxiety, my sleeping patterns have been all over the place. The people I have spoken about my sleeping habits always use the same questions, “What’s wrong? What’s troubling you? There must be something stressing you”. Sure, when my sleeping pattern started happening like this there was a lot of worry on my head, but now I’m in a good space; I think. I mean there are some nights that I have worry on my head, but usually it’s my body saying I can’t sleep. The nights when the worry is there, I don’t understand what that worry is any more, It’s just anxious feelings.

The Confusion Of It All.

The confusion I have is, that when I first started having the sleeping patterns I had good reason. Now my life seems to be quite on track and the best it has ever been, I just don’t understand.  I’m in the happiest relationship I have been in with Tony, he genuinely cares for me, loves me. He encourages me all for the right reasons, agrees with me, argues with me, points out my flaws and praises my strengths. Allows me to be an individual, as well as being apart of him. I now have a fantastic job, everyone supports, encourages, and really makes you feel like going to work. I now have my own ambitions and motivations, which I never had before. I’m eating a lot better, I’m working out and feeling a lot better physically and mentally. Is asking for a solid seven night sleep well rested too much to ask? Am I missing the old me perhaps?

The Old Me? Really?

The one that depended on everyone and everything, the one that bit his tongue to keep everybody happy? The one who really liked to drink, smoke weed and take other harsh drugs; just to feel confident enough to face the world. The one who thought he had more friends than he ever would, who were actually happy with the one-way friendship, their way of course. When I think of my transition from the old me to the new me, I can honestly say I really love the new me. Sure I’ve had to cut a lot of people out of my life that I felt were bringing me down. It was hard, although, now I feel it has been worth it. It’s now 4:30 AM, Tony’s dad just woke up, he scared the shit out of me, while I’m sitting here in my quiet dark bubble. I’m going to have a quick break from writing, have a coffee and chat with him.

Time To Start The New Day Now The Sun Is Up

6:30 AM; Tony’s dad has just gone to work, the sun is now up and the noises have started. The noises from the birds from waking, cars from people rushing to work and plane engines to take the first flights out of Adelaide. Tony is still asleep, he will be waking up to discover that I am not there. He will come out and question me out of concern, and the feeling of waking up alone yet again. I start work myself soon, today I’m working from 9am to midnight, with a three-hour break in between. However, now the sun is up, I don’t feel like I have been awake all night. I’m hoping to sleep well tonight, even just a good solid few hours.

Yes, this is a rambling post, yes I haven’t slept, there was no worries in my head last night or any anxious feelings. I’m going to boil some eggs for Tony’s breakfast for when he gets up, and then go start another day.

I would love to hear from people who have ‘all over the place sleeping patterns’. Have you overcome them? What were the reasons, if any? Any suggestions in methods to help fall asleep?

Thanks for letting me dribble. Have an awesome day.

Phil.

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Written by Phil Paterson

I have been a Community Support Worker for the last four years. I worked in the Mental Health Sector and now currently working with people who have Aquired Brain Injuries in Disabilty. I studied to be a worker in the community, as I myself haven't had the best life. (Although now my life is much better). So I decided to attempt to write my real life story of trauma and abuse, drugs and alcohol, love and loss. All which led to depression and anxiety. Apart from my story I plan to write about everyday important issue that co-inside with my blog.

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