16 – Love That Lasts Before Dawn

It’s really funny how we can perceive love. Some of us would do almost anything to feel the true connection. Some of us settle for what we believe is making us happy, when deep down we know it is completely superficial.

While living in the Barossa, I started feeling that I was missing something. It wasn’t company or it wasn’t having a life. It was more than that. I was missing that someone. Someone who would laugh with me, feel me, touch me, all to make me feel special. I had to assess the likely hood of me finding what I have been longing for since Alan. However already mentioned, Barossa was smaller than Port and at this stage I would not dare let my hair down like I needed to.

Men At My Finger Tips

Having the use of the Internet I became familiar in a couple of websites for gay men. One was Gaydar and the other Manhunt. These websites were what they called gay “dating” sites. It showed a picture of the guy with a profile stating a little about them, and their location. There were only a couple of guys in the Barossa but a lot more in the Adelaide area. It was only a 30-45 minute drive to the outer suburbs of Adelaide. I never really knew what to expect from these sites, so I just started chatting to random guys. Some would chat for exactly that just a chat. Which I enjoyed many conversations. Where there were other guys that were straight up showing pictures of their excited naked bodies asking to hook up. I always turned them down, as I was scared to just meet a random and be expected to have sex straight away.

I was on this computer everyday talking to random guys. Some talk was genuine, others became sexual, and I went with the flow, as it became the only thing I had at the time. I remember Ben walking in on me one day while I had my pants down and the computer on. I didn’t stop, we just looked at each other and we laughed it off. Nonetheless I was busting for that human touch. I decided to meet up with a guy who drove to the Barossa and booked into the caravan park. I remember before he came I wrote to him, “I have to warn you, I will be very shy as I don’t just meet random guys.” He assured me that there will be no pressure and he just wanted to meet me and take it from there. Also he wrote, “I’m not really a random, we have been chatting for weeks now”. This did not settle my nerves any more.

Perception and Feelings Are Not Always Right

I received a text “I have just checked in to the caravan park”. I told Ben and Alisha what my plans were, just so someone knew where I was. I then left the house and went to meet him at the pub for dinner. I had never been on a proper date before, and I was excited and hell nervous. I thought to myself, this man just drove here from Adelaide and paid for accommodation and to have dinner with me, he must be somewhat interested.

I arrived at the pub and we spotted each other straight away, we both had big smiles and we formally introduced ourselves with a manly handshake. Back then every time I got shy or nervous, I would just go blank and wouldn’t know what to say. Our third beer in and after we ate, he said with a reassuring voice, “its ok, I’m nervous as well”. That one sentence loosened me up instantly. We had a few more beers, and had some amazing conversations about life. We then headed back to his cabin. He had bought some red wine earlier so we continued to drink. The conversation kept flowing, and all I could think of was ‘kiss him’. I knew though I wouldn’t be how to make the first move. After an hour of being in the cabin he asked me if he could kiss me. He was very sweet, and I liked the fact that I was there with him in that moment. He then kissed me. Things became very steamy (I will leave the rest up for your imagination).

That night was amazing, it was like how they say, ‘the drought is over’. We woke up in the next morning. It was nice to wake up next to somebody rather than just myself. We both had headaches from drinking the red wine. He already told me before arriving that he had to get back home early and wouldn’t be how to stick around for long. So we had breakfast, all while I was in owe of the last 16 hours. He left, and then I went straight home to sleep off the hangover I had.

The Feeling Of Stupidity

Later that night I got back online, and he was also on. I wrote “hey you, I had a great time last night, it will be my turn to come there next time”. Five minutes went past, then ten and twenty, and he hadn’t replied. I thought that maybe his computer was left on but he was somewhere else. However the next day came, still no reply, the next day I messaged him, no reply. After around 5 days, I realised this guy had blocked me. I wasn’t hugely upset, although I did feel dirty and used. He charmed me, wooed me, and lies is all it was. I felt stupid for thinking that this guy may have wanted to see me again.

The Perception of The Gay World

I shook it all off pretty quickly, but the feeling of what I needed in one night wasn’t enough. Since meeting a stranger and having a good time, I decided to keep doing it. I was using sex as a way to feel loved. I knew there was no love involved. But I felt loved while being able to surrender myself. With some guys I would meet, we would eat, drink then have sex. But it started to become some sort of habit to make myself feel good. I would start meeting guys in-car parks and in the middle of nowhere. Having sex and fooling around. Most of the time I would use the name Pete. Other times no names was exchanged at all. I truly believed that this was the only love I would have in my life. I would just settle for the kind of love that fades before dawn.

I continued this behaviour while in the Barossa; I knew I was missing what I was actually longing for. I truly convinced myself that this was what being gay was, it certainly something I wasn’t proud of, nevertheless I also convinced myself that I was happy. Until another random came along that I met on the side of the road in the middle of the night……..

Until next time

Phil

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