One year ago today, I was doing the same thing. Not sleeping and writing a post with my thoughts. This time I know why. It is amazing when you read something and it all confirms that you are a stronger person then before. You are exceeding more than before. Yes, the alarm is going to go off in 47 mins, however this time I blame the book….
One year ago I wrote a Phil’s Ramble Called. “The Quiet Dark Bubble, (Check It Out Here). So much has happened in that year, which it seems so much longer ago.
It is now 4:30am, I am not sitting at the back and Tony’s parents house, and his Dad is not just waking up and scaring the shit out of me. Instead, Tony and I have been in our own place for 10 months now. So I am in the lounge room on a desk top and not a laptop. Yes, he is in bed, but he no longer wakes up questioning me as he now gets it. My sleepless nights are not as often anymore. A year ago it was a maximum of four nights a week, now its two. I am no longer a Support Worker, I am now a Coordinator. Nothing has changed about how I feel about work. I still think it’s a great place to work, learn and grow with great support and a team most people would be jealous not working with. I have been a Coordinator now for three months, I actually have my probation meeting today around lunch time. So why is tonight the night I won’t sleep? Why now?
Why did tonight choose me to not sleep? I actually have somewhat of an answer to it tonight. I started reading the book; “The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck”. I only read one chapter last night, then I told Tony I am only going to read another chapter tonight. Although I just couldn’t put it down. There is a lot of what the author Mark Manson writes I can totally relate to. Even though the title of the book seems like he is trying to tell you to “Fuck the world!” and/or; “Who gives a fuck!”. It is so much deeper than that. Its more about not giving a fuck about things that don’t matter anymore in which can bring you down. And start giving a fuck and taking responsibility for what really matters to you, and I feel it reflects on my past year.
I should clarify now, if you have been reading my personal story (It Starts Here), you all need to know that it was no way intended for me to gain sympathy votes. It is purely there because I chose not to give a fuck anymore about what others think. I started it to be able to help other people see that they are not alone and have some inspiration to go seek help for issue they feel they can not control. That is something I wanted. I would be lying if I said during this process I wasn’t getting healed along with the people from 60 and more countries who are reading it and message me with a “thanks for sharing, it nice to know that I am not alone”. Or “I finally did it, I have seeked helped, I am scared but knowing someone else has been through it gives me strength”.
A close friend and I had a huge argument over the blog I was writing a while back. She could see I was getting stronger and not that push over I was anymore. When we were talking about what the blog is doing for myself and other people reading, praising, and contacting saying that it is helping them get through some tough times, She tried bringing it down. This is a friend where if she got angry, I didn’t. Except on this particular day she was trying to convince me that it isn’t real. Her words were exactly “its just gravy, none of it is real”. This was the first time of our long history I wasn’t holding back to her negativity, I know she saw my fury as I could not believe these negative words I was hearing. Since then our friendship has never been the same.
You see in the past I would have listened to my friends and taken their advice and 100% would have given up. However I pushed aside the comments as this journey is not about them. I was finally doing something for me. Other close mates haven’t even commented about this journey, or even read it to my knowledge. I used to care a year ago, but now I don’t. Because for the first time in my life this is about me and no one else. There was a moment in time I felt that last statement was selfish. However it’s also about helping others, sometimes being selfish in the right way rewards you in the outcome you have been aiming for. I have accepted it now that not being contacted by friends of mine, because I am not actually the one calling them anymore has seriously improved my life dramatically.
I have made new friends, the kind that know how a two-way friendship goes, non judgemental on both sides, ambitious, encouraging to each other. Not having many of my negative friends putting negative thoughts in my head has allowed me to excel in MY LIFE. I am now able to make my OWN negatives and turn them in to positives the way I know I need t. I understand that shit happens and it always will. Now though, I can do it, with my mind-set. I can now go through the shitty times and face them rather than just giving up. Tony has also grown in the last year. Even when we our relationship has the crappiest of crap moments, we stick it out, talk it through, we don’t have any negative influences giving us the wrong advice.
Reading this book has confirmed how far I have come in life. How much more I can face, anxiety and depression or not. The way I now have a future, while being excited about it instead of doubtful. Yes, I am awake and I am finishing this post as I type at 5:30am. But knowing I am a stronger, smarter person I feel I can say that I have “The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck”.