30 – The Present: Brief Update pt 1

Yay i have a computer, and can share again. A lot can happen in a year and a half. Let me quickly fill you in.

I cannot believe it has been ten whole months since my last post Time flies I guess, although I missed not having a personal computer for so long. I did it, I finally got myself something to type away on. I could say I hope to write a lot more, you know, start getting it back on track. However, reality (excuses) always seems to come from out of nowhere. However, want to briefly share how it’s been since post 27.

As you know, I wasn’t in my best light in post 27 “The Present: Game Over.” That’s right, the one where I recorded myself after Tony left. I have contemplated taking it off, then I think, why? Yes, I am a hell ugly crier, but this is what people go through on a daily basis. You could cry with me, or laugh at me, either way, that was a year and a half ago. 

My anxiety shot through the roof once again. I was so disappointed that I lost all the hard work I put into my own self-care. I had to start again. After Tony leaving, it was the first time in seventeen or eighteen years that I lived alone. The first couple of months was the worst, the place kept reminding me of the past. I had to refer back to “first steps living with depression.” I then moved to the beach and made a complete space that was mine in the first time in years. Spending a lot of time at the beach, and listening to the ocean while I going to sleep was just bliss. It started to help me gain control of my life, once again. 

I started to let everyone around me down, I was only indulging in the wine I was drinking. I wasn’t functioning at work and yep, you guessed it. Everyone started to notice. I didn’t get my drinking under control for some time, I was sleeping past my alarm until 11am. Waking up to all these missed calls and messages from work. I would freak out then break out into full panic attacks. I would then eventually arrive at work, mega hungover, I would only ‘ugly cry’ every five seconds. I can tell you, if I worked anywhere else, I think they would have fired my arse. However, I work with the most amazing people. They supported me through the whole thing. Temporary changing working hours to start later, time off to attended some counselling sessions, moving into the city office with a different case load, some paid leave, and always was there if I need them. 

The panic attacks started to ease from daily occurrences, I started bouncing back again. I know it sounds cliché but, you know, when you are in a dark place, you generally don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. For me it wasn’t a light in the distance getting brighter and brighter. It was like walking out onto the road and then a semi-trailer puts their high beams on. Honestly, I just woke up one day, and everything fell in to place. Not over losing Tony, my darkness wasn’t about him anymore. I was happy getting back into routine, seeing friends again and getting out and about. 

Let me know how you dealt with a break up. How quickly did it take you to “bounce back?”, leave a comment below.

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